The One Who (Maybe) Never Knows This Blog

Has been a week since our first serious so-called-quarrel. I just feel like I'm a stupid person by starting that thing, but thanks to that also I know how serious you are in our friendship. Actually, you are not that serious anymore, and you don't even try to fix it and feels like everything is okay. You said that you understand my position, but how wrong you are my friend, you don't understand at all. I didn't know why I could feel very sad on Monday, maybe I was so stupid and naive to think that our friendship can be like me with his. Yeah, my stupid expectation. As I've told all of these things to Him, slowly but sure, I feel better each day, and try to let it go. If this is what it's supposed to be, then let it be. I just dun wanna expect anything from you anymore. You've changed. A lot. It's not the '3-years-before-you' anymore. The thing is that we just don't understand each other anymore. If someday I meet you again, I really dunno what to talk/share to you. You know, it's worse than meeting a new person. Maybe just a silence that all I can show you.

Today, I met them, and talked about this thing. Maybe what she said is right, you are the person that will completely adapt and become the person you are close with at a particular time. Seriously, maybe we dun have to meet for some time, I dunno until when. Maybe till the day I feel like this thing never happened between us. You are just lucky to have such a naive friend, my buddy =) I still see you as one of my buddies, but now it's not the used-to-be buddy again. Will always pray for your life, buddy =)

The Bible said that we shouldn't be discouraged, but now how I feel the deepest discourage about our friendship. God, is the One who can change both of our hearts.

You, the Pain of My Heart

I really dunno what did happen to you these days or what's gotten into you. In all of a sudden you're just like a person with autism, dun want to speak even a word. Three of us can't find the answer of your condition until now. He is going to another city today and you dun even say "Safe flight" to him. What do you want actually? You keep on shutting your mouth and you hope that we can know what you want? You think we're mind readers? You're supposed to be a mature person now, but you act like a 5-year-old child. You think we deserve something like this from you? I will strongly disagree with that. I should be the person who act like you if I want to. I wonder whether there are any moms like you. Do you even know how my life is? Do you even care my problems? Where are your support when I'll have a competition or test? Don't be curious on why I suddenly become this quiet person in this "home". It's you who never bother about my life and what I've been through. It's a pain to love you, I really dunno how to bear with it. You know what? I've been trying on never share my problems with you and him, it's because I know that both of you also have many problems in your life, but seems like you never know about that and you just keep on nagging and nagging without even try to understand me. This is why I always want to live separately from you. I dare to bet that when it happens, you won't call me every day like you do every day with him. Only because that you are the one that I should respect, protect and take care of, I try to struggle all of these times. I dare to bet if you read this and understand it, you won't apologize or change yourself. It's because you never do that.

God, I just hope that all things can go back to where they used to be. Please strengthen me, God. This too shall be passed...

Can't Understand

I dunno, why I am this emo. Maybe because I have buried it for months and today it comes up once and for all. I just can't understand guys, I know that all of you are very busy, meanwhile I'm just a pathectic jobless guy, but is it logical that each of you doesn't have the same free time in 4 months? Is it just a coincidence that every time I ask for a gathering and you guys can't make it? Is it too hard to let your works/studies activities stop for just a quarter of a day? Is it so hard to have a day just for 4 of us? I dunno, I really hope my thought is wrong, but I feel like this group (even dunno it is appropriate to call it so) is not important at all for you guys. It can be seen how easily we'll cancel our gathering even we've talked about it two days before. If you feel like what I thought, then I won't struggle for this group anymore. It's not like I'm the person with unlimited patience, I also can't bear with repeated disappointments. I dare to bet that no one will ask for a gathering in half of a year. If you read this, please feel free to judge me. I'm not a perfect person anyway...

It's Alright

When you don't have much time to have a chat with me,

it's alright...

 

When you said you will contact me at a particular time, but you forget,

it's alright...

 

When you said sorry for being lost for some time,

it's alright...

 

When I feel like I really need to talk to you, but it looks like you are too busy,

it's alright...

 

When I feel like kinda disappointed of your forgotten promise,

it's alright...

 

When I hear you say sorry because we have lost contact for same time,

it's alright...

 

Although what I always feel are sad, disappointment, even hurt sometimes, it's alright for me.

 

You and I should thank God for His encouragement and strength that He has given to me to repel all of those negative feelings and thoughts.

 

Actually, I have a really obvious reason to get mad just like three years ago, but I just can't do that anymore. I have to be mature now, I understand how your conditions are and your character is. Dunno, I just can forgive you easily, because you are my 'brother', my brother in Christ =) If this is meant to be like this, then let it be. Because this life is not about myself, this life is about Him.

 

In the end, my buddy, it's alright =)