Clueless

Hufh, I dunno. My life is just getting blur and blur. I just can't decide what to do with my future. I'm totally clueless. So do my friendship with my friends. I just feel like I've left one by one. Only the closest one that still stay in my life. I dunno what's wrong with me, or with them. I dunno who to blame for this situation. Maybe I need to move to another city, to start a new life, meet new people, and stay away from this city's society. But knowing that my sis is having a hard time in her SHS life, I can't leave her alone. Hufh, I dunno what to do anymore. Please lead me God, please show me Your way...

Everything Has Changed

Hmph, still jobless till now. I really dunno whether I should stick on finding jobs or establish a new business. My days are passed with many many thoughts that I can't decide what should I do. Well, seems like my ex-colleagues do great jobs after I've resigned. They are well prepared for their big event, I guess. I'm glad that they can still do their best without me, so I can leave without guilty feeling. My ex-boss offered me to help her team on their big event twice, and I rejected her. I dunno, I just feel like I dun wanna see her and her teams for quite some time. I have this very lazy feeling every time I wonder to visit them. I dun understand also why do I feel that way, I wish to know the reason. She invited me to come on the event through Facebook. I really dunno whether I want to give my response or not. Every option of the response seems to have negative effects. If I click "going", then I will disappoint her by not showing myself on the event. If I click "maybe", then I will make her wondering. If I click "not going", absolutely she will stay far away from me I guess. So maybe I'll just leave it unresponded. Yeah, I guess my decision to resign is very right. As I never feel alive in that company and I can hardly been appreciated also. I also can't work if I become 'bad-mood' absorber. You should lead, not command your subordinates. You should say 'Let us do it', not 'I want you to do this'. You used to live in SG, but why your mindset is just like this city's people? Maybe the fact is we can't cope with each other...

Relaxing Vacation

Let's have a happy post this time, as I notice that the posts that I've made this year are quite stressful to be read (yeah life is getting harder). Well, this long long vacation that just passed was one of the greatest vacation. I dunno why, but I feel it that way, although I still went to the same place for the fourth time, which is Samosir Island. Hahax, again and again, it's like that place is my hometown.

So this time I went for 5 days 4 nights. The days and nights were kept changing on till it was fixed on the week before. This time actually we (my family) were quite unprepared. So we planned to wake up at 4 am but ended up late. We should have started our journey since 5 am, but dunno what took us too long that we started at 6 am == The worst thing was we didn't buy anything for breakfast. I quickly filled my stomach with cereals before my gastric problem arises again. When we were on the way, my father suddenly remembered the water pump which wasn't unplugged. My father was afraid that it would be burnt if there was blackout. Soooooo, we were heading back home again to unplug the water pump ==

Fortunately the traffic to the harbour was not that bad. We could still have our (real) breakfast at Perbaungan and we arrived at Siantar around 10 am. The road to Tigaras harbour was getting worse and worse. We spent around one and one-half our only to reach the harbour == When we arrived, there weren't so many cars that would pass to Samosir. At first we were surprised that someone said the next ship would be arrived at 3 pm. Oh God, it was only 12 pm when we arrived there. Then when my father went to the ticket stall, the person said that it would be arrived in half an hour. Haaaahh, so relieved. We had our lunch while we were waiting for the ship. We had arrived at Samosir around 1 pm and we had to continue our journey again to Tuk Tuk which the hotels were located. Again, we stayed at the same hotel as last year, hufhhh. The problem was there were many stairs only to get to your room. I bet I will lose my weight so much if I stay there for a month, hahax. The great thing was the air actually. I can never breath that fresh air again in Medan. So I enjoy so much when I was there.

Another great thing was my buddy, E, also went to Samosir this time. So glad that I could meet him there, although he only stayed for a night. He was very bold to pass through Tele and drove for 10 hours. Oh God, I can passed out maybe if I were him. He went with his family and his gf's family. So I met him on the day I went back to Medan. He also went back on the same day. So happy to see his acts towards his brother and sister. He was so funny that I couldn't stop smiling. I took some pics and his gf took pics of us. Well, he did make me worry so much when he went back to Medan. He was struggling on the road as he drove at night. I kept on praying for their safety. Praise the Lord that they were safe and they were home at 2 am == 

I am looking for another vacation like this. So relaxing and refreshing =)

Here are some pics:

Thanks God for the chances, this is one of the greatest vacation that I've ever had =)

Lose My Identity (?)

Well, I had my first job interview today. A job which was recommended by my cousin. Actually I didn't want to apply for this one, as I have promised to myself that I want to have a job which I find by myself and no family nor friends are inside that company. I really want to stop on depending on my family and friends. But my father told me to apply for this job, as my cousin guaranteed that I will be accepted. So I arrived 8 am sharp and I was almost late. I was told to wait for a while and around 10 mins later I was asked to enter a room with a girl. First, we were asked to fill the identity form and I was so stupid as I forgot to bring a pen. So I decided to borrow it from the HRD girl. After some time, we submitted the identity form and we had the psycho tests. There were 7 sections and we spent like 2 hours to finish the whole test. Then the girl was asked to go home to wait any news from the company, meanwhile I went directly to the interview session. I was brought by the head of the department to the head of HRD room. Well, they were not look like bad guy, but what I wasn't satisfied was the salary. I wrote 2.5 millions and the head of HRD said it was too high. He said I should be paid at the minimum wage which is 2 millions. I was like, hey man, my work will be harder than usual staff in your office! I will have to go to other cities for weeks! A big company like that can't give a good judgment for this kind of thing. Again, it's this city's culture. In the end, they offered me 2.3 millions and I said I need some time to decide whether I accept this or not. They give me time till Monday.

Well, it's not like I'm complaining too much, but please, you can't judge someone's salary only based on experience only, but the workloads also. I just have this simple thought, if I can teach a private accounting lesson for 4 students with 600k each, then I'll receive bigger amount of money and I just need to teach around 2 hours for that. It's simpler than a work which have to go to other cities for weeks. Now I understand why some people can stick to being a teacher/lecturer for the rest of their life. Well, am I losing my identity by thinking that way? I dunno, I just feel something wrong if I accept that offer. Dunno it's me who's getting worse each day or what. Should I leave my dream and start a realistic condition of mine? Should I become an educator instead? Haaaah, I'm tired God...

Can't See

Hello. Nothing's get better after 3 weeks of my graduation. It's worsen I guess. I am lost. I dunno where should I step. I'm afraid of everything as I really dunno what path that I should choose. I'm quite sick of my current job as I dun have any passion in it. I wanna resign so bad. But the only problem is that we're having a very big project for the next 2 months. I've planned to resign after that big project, but then my father urged me to resign soon and find another job that suits with me. I fear that she can't bear with my selfish decision that I dunno how to tell her properly. Actually I changed my plan to resign this month if it's possible, but I feel irresponsible to do that. On the other side, I can't bear with the pressure in my current job anymore. I'm such a useless employee. I rarely give ideas in meetings. I barely make good crafts. I never like these stuffs. She told me this evening that she got a very big help for that big project. Actually this may be my chance to resign, as her job is significantly decreased. Still, I dunno how to tell her and I can't bear with this irresponsible feeling, while my father has urged me to find another job. What must I do, God? I can't see any certainty for my future...

Stucked

Waiting for the graduation day is such a pain for me, as my future will be decided after that day. Am I going for the master degree? Or I'll continue my professional degree? I really hope for the latter. But I don't want to expect anything, as life can be that twist. Whatever God decides for me, I'll try to follow it. Right now I feel so so so so stuck. I dunno what I want to do. I dunno what can make me happy. Just like everything I do stops giving me happiness. To be honest, I didn't feel happy at all when my group got the 2nd rank at IAF. I also didn't feel even a slightest bit of happiness when I passed my final skripsi convention. I dunno why. I wish I knew the reasons. So I can say that I am having a happiness crisis. After each day that I've passed, I feel like I should go to a new place. I need a breakthrough I guess. I'm very very densed till I dunno how to solve this crisis anymore. Maybe the first thing that I should do is stop doing this job as this is not my field and go to a new place. Please come faster graduation day, I can't survive days like these anymore.

Btw, someone has been baptized today, congratulations my buddy! I really hope that I can be baptized also someday O:)

Different Paths, Same Endings

A couple days ago, an old friend suddenly chatted with me and asked me how was the chronology of my quarrel with that person. After I answered and told her the main points of the story, she suddenly spilled out all her sadness. That was the second time I became a person who heard the heartbroken people shared their sadness. I couldn't comfort her well, I didn't know what to say. The funny thing was we reached the same conclusion about that person. Both of us had ever had a relationship with him, me as his friend, her as his girlfriend, and we arrived at the same end. Both of us ended each of our relationship with him, now he is ex-best friend to me and ex-boyfriend to her.

We reached the same conclusion. He is 'the peanut which forgets its shell'. The harsh word is he had a parasitism symbiosis with both of us. He forgot and forgets how he was back then. How we had helped him through his hard times. Well, it seems like what I said to her is right, he makes friend with the ones who can make his life better FINANCIALLY.

If you read this, and if you feel like I'm talking about you, then I'm very glad that you can realize it, means that you still have your humanity side. It's not like I want you to pay back everything that I had done to you, just remember the ones who had helped you back then. You know what, I even don't want to meet you anymore, as I don't know what to talk to you and even I can't determine who you are to me, a friend? I guess no. An acquaintance? Slightly true I guess. If someday you need to find me for something, just hope or pray (I'm doubt you'll do it) to God that I can share His love to you. But my humanity logic and my current state strongly want to avoid you. Hahax, so have a great life out there. Hope you can find anyone with enough money to support your life =)

A Full of Lesson Morning

Well, I woke up a bit late this morning, actually only half an hour late than usual, as I was so sleepy. Guess I couldn't sleep well last night because of the fireworks == So after I read the daily bread and online-ing like usual, there was a blackout. With sigh expression, I did the usual procedure and filled the petrol into the generator. This was when the lessons started. I felt weird as there weren't any sounds of generator around my house, but I thought that it was because most neighbors didn't turn on the generator in the morning. So I kept trying to turn on the generator and it was unusuallly hard. I tried and tried for many times and at last it was on! But then my house was still in a  perfect darkness == My generator also sounded very weird, like it was going to explode. So I decided to turn off and told my mom about the conditions. But then, I decided to turn it on again. Before that, I saw my neighbor's maid and asked her whether there was blackout. She said no then I knew the problem already. Something was not right with my house.

So I told my mom and decided to call my dad and told him the situation. I was almost give up and tired, as I hadn't had my breakfast. But then my father tried to call electricians that he had known. The bad news was we had to wait till 2 pm. Oh God, I had my breakfast first and read the newspaper (still I got some time for this, huh?). Then I couldn't wait and do nothing anymore. I boldly tried to did the procedures when something like this happened. I called my dad for further instructions and told him my hypothesis (like really, hahax XD). Well, at least I understood a lil' bit of what had happened. The thing was that something was wrong with the third floor electricity. Well, I tackled my own hypothesis as my dad said that maybe the second floor electricity was having problem when I told him that the second switch wouldn't go up. My mom tried it, and it went up, hahax. So when I switched up the third switch, the electricity went out again. So the problem was on the third switch, and again, the hypothesis was tackled with new hypothesis which was the first floor electricity was having a problem. Beore that, actually I had called an electrician to check on this problem. So, I had a clear hypothesis to be proved on when the electrician came. When the electrician had come, I told him the problem and he did his work. He plugged off all the cables on the first floor. There was a cable that he forgot to plug off, and before I plugged it off, again, the electricity went out when he switched up the third switch, so that was the problem. To confirm our guess, he tried to turn on and plug on the switch and the cables one by one. Finally, we proved that the problem was on the lamp cables which I plugged off. The cause was very simple, the pineapple water was flowed to the base of the lamp. And that's it, problem solved!

The electrician was very kind that he wouldn't speak out the amount of payment. I asked my mom how much should I pay him. She said 25k IDR, but I couldn't find 5k, so I gave him 30k. Well, the epilogue. My mom said that yesterday, she had a plan on taking the pineapple and the lamps, to clean the praying table. However, she delayed it. Thank God she didn't get electrocuted =) I learnt a lot this morning. Learn to protect my mom. Learn to be patient. Learn nit to give up for you loved ones. Learn electricity a lil' bit, hahax. Learn to be grateful to Him =) Never ever give up on the problems that you face, as you'll see the rainbow after the rain!

What Should ... I Do?

Hello, it's been a month huh? Well, things are getting harder and harder as the day passes. Have passed the hectic weeks of preparing Chinese New Year and also the D-day, which was not a merry CNY. Everyone seemed to be very lazy to celebrate it. He has also come back to hometown since last week, after he finished his lovely skripsweet, hahax. Congrats to you, S.Ked boy =) 

Something's bothering me till now. One of my friends said that his mother is not in a good condition and talked about his father. Seriously, I was shocked when she said about his mother condition. I even couldn't concentrate of doing anything after I knew it. I just wanna meet him and ask him, but then I know him very well. He rarely talks about his family, and he is very good at hiding his problems and sadness. I just dunno what should I do next. She said that I should go to see his mom. I'll do it in these several days. I was so stupid that I wasn't questioning him when he said that he met one of our teachers at one of the hospitals in Medan. Why didn't I ask him on what purpose he went there? 

I know that maybe I'm just too exaggerated about this, but I dunno why I feel anxious about this. Just hope that everything's gonna be okay for his family. Amen...

Trembling Fear

I dunno why I feel this kind of fear after the dream that I had this morning. I even dunno when was the last time I feel this kind of fear. Well, the dream was like this. My buddy, E, sat beside me and we were in a kind of a religion ritual, with some of our friends. I was happy to meet him, until he asked me a question, which made me anxious and afraid every time I try to remember this dream. He asked me, "When will you gonna be baptized?". I forgot I answered him or not, but I bet I was really confused to answer that question. Then, he said again, "Yeah, my mom asked me how about you are still not be baptized." I thought I kept silent after he said that. After that, we were given incense to pray to a statue, he and I took the incense that we put it at a short wall (maybe) which was in front of us. Then, he stood up and he went to in front of that statue and danced (I really had no idea what dance was that and why was he dancing). I just sat and saw him dancing. After that, we were in a different place again, and he sat beside me. He continued about the steps to be baptized and he said,"So, how will you gonna be baptized? By doing it secretly?". Again, I forgot what I replied to him. We were in different place again and this time we stood, and I asked him something but then the dream was over. When I woke up, I was feeling fear and anxious. I couldn't stay calm until I prayed to Him. I really want to know what is the meaning of that dream. Does God urge me to be baptized? Or just a reminder to me? But I can't keep calm, and every time I see his name or photo, I'll remember the dream and again, will feel fear and anxious. I really wanna share this to him, but he is still busy with his thesis. Maybe I just need to keep praying to Him, and everything's gonna be okay. Amen!