Repeated Nag

Here I am again, nagging and whining over something that has been nagged since last year I think. Yeah, about my family. It has been 4 days since my father's leave to Gorontalo, and this house is more silent than usual. Left my mom and my sis with me, the 'family' meaning is blurred already. I dun feel like I'm home, I have the urge to go out somewhere, as long as out from this house. They say your family is your home, my case is not. On last Sunday, I brought them to a café to have our dinner, and wow, no atmosphere at all. Three of us kept our attention on our phones. I felt weird, my mom couldn't open a topic to be talked of, it was me who always found a topic to be talked of. It was ... meaningless.

This is what happened when ur family isn't based on love. To tell you, I was raised in an autocratic family, yeah, military-like family. My mom is a strict person, no matter what ur reason is, as long as you violate the rules, you are in deep trouble. Meanwhile my dad is not very emotional person, but once he is angry, then it seems to be the end of the world. My mom is also a negative thinker person, which is caused by her lack of self-confidence. I used to inherit that thing, but as I grew up and learnt about Christian, I changed my mindset of being always think negatively. Just like a coin, there is always a good and a bad side of their parenting pattern. The good side is I grew up with discipline and good attitude, but the bad side is, I never feel direct love of them. I am human, I have physical and mental needs. I am grateful that they put me in Christian school, and all of this time I can fulfill my mental needs through prayer. It's useless to tell them about your problems, it'll end up with the responses that u can expect since the time you start to tell your problems, and I dun want to burden them further with my problems. I never share my problems anymore since SHS, except for very serious problems. This family really lacks of love. I even forget the last time I ever hug my parents. We rarely say 'thank you' and 'sorry'. They think that saying those words are very embarrasing. We rarely celebrate birthday, and even they forgot their children's birthday.

When I see my friends' family, I often envy with them. Their family is the real family in general. Their parents can express love freely, and so do their children. Especially when I see E's family, wow, how I wish I were in his family. Is it equivalent between having no parents or family with the situation that I'm having? If yes, all of you should know what my respond is. I try to love them, but it's hard with this kind of situation. I know I'm supposed to be grateful of still having a family, of still having complete parents until now. But what is happening is I'm like a stranger in this house, and my sis also changed into a loner. Oh God, sorry if I nagged too much and showed to You that I'm not grateful about the situation that I'm having right now. Only this is just what I felt.

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